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Man with Car
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228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dearest Altima friends and compatriots,

A 10-foot fiber-optic camera and a little spare time helped me discover the truth. You know of what I speak! (Er, type.)

The Seahawks were killing my Cowboys yesterday, so I said, "Screw this," hoisted my ass off the Barcalounger and lumbered into the garage. There, I unwound said seldom-used camera (I bought it off a proctologist who said he was getting out of the colonoscopy business) and rammed it up the passenger-side muffler of my 3.5. The intake barked a muted scream. Realizing my insensitivity, I gently withdrew the line and rubbed it down with Mobil 1 before reinserting it more gently.

About four feet in, I noticed a substantial blockage. It was sort of a mottled yellow-brown color as best I could tell; the camera didn't have a particularly fine resolution. But it was definitely solid and took up a good portion of the pipe just aft of the cat. "Aha!" I said, then promptly fell asleep from boredom.

When I awoke, I soldered a hook on the end of my fish tape and yanked the blockage out. "My God!" I yelled. "A potato! In my pipe!" I was astonished. Dumbfounded. Incensed. Rattled, much like a cheap Altima parcel shelf. So naturally, I fell asleep again.

Later in the day, after I'd recovered substantially, I took a closer look at my window sticker. "Surely," I thought to myself, "Nissan didn't include the potato option on this car." But as I scanned the fine, garbled, lawyered-up print of the option packages, my heart sank when I saw the truth:

1C, Potato Pack, $599

The print is very small and the typeface is very light, but it's there, my friends. And just like the microfilter option, which we all know isn't really an option at all, the Potato Pack is in fact for all purposes a factory-mandated purchase. And there's no doubt in my mind that potato robbed my 3.5 of 15 horsepower. No question at all. In fact, I'm 102-1/2 percent sure.

So rejoice, fellow Altima enthusiasts, and know that a little minor surgery will have your Altimas raging with the full 255 horses the Maxima crowd rubs in our faces. I've already phoned Ghosn and demanded a refund. His English was very poor and my French is even worse, but I got the gist that he told me to eff off. He did, however, offer to FedEx me some butter, sour cream and bacon bits if I kept quiet about the thing.

Fat chance of that.

Jarrod K. Wright
'02 3.5SE 5-speed
'98 SE 5-speed
 

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04-05 Pedal Insert
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5,759 Posts
Story

jkwright..........you should write childrens books, you would make alot of money with your skills!!!!!!!!!
 

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Re: Story

wild willy said:
jkwright..........you should write childrens books, you would make alot of money with your skills!!!!!!!!!
I agree......

but he should elminate some profanity before doing so.....

until then, he still has to explain if what he did was true.
 

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Man with Car
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228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
To eliminate possible confusion, I offer the following response:

1) 3.5-SE, I could indeed tell you what to do to gain 15 horsepower, but then I'd have to kill you. No, scratch that. The '02 Maxima guys would get to you first. And I love you too much to live with that consequence.
2) Willy, thank you. You are too kind. I'm a frustrated writer at heart, you know. Perhaps I could stretch what I call the Potato Conspiracy into a novel, yes? I think I'll start with Jerry H's involvement in the half-moon exhaust pipe design. ("It just looks racier.")
3) 3.5-SE, yes, the narrative is actually true. You, too, can remove the potato from your exhaust. If you'd like to borrow my fish tape and camera, please let me know. :D

Jarrod K. Wright
'02 3.5SE 5-speed
'98 SE 5-speed

PS - If humor is disallowed on this forum -- especially my rather weak and smart-assed attempt at it -- please let me know and I shall promptly switch gears and post a highly technical thread regarding the horsepower equals torque divided by 5252 formula.
 

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jkwright said:
To eliminate possible confusion, I offer the following response:

1) 3.5-SE, I could indeed tell you what to do to gain 15 horsepower, but then I'd have to kill you. No, scratch that. The '02 Maxima guys would get to you first. And I love you too much to live with that consequence.
2) Willy, thank you. You are too kind. I'm a frustrated writer at heart, you know. Perhaps I could stretch what I call the Potato Conspiracy into a novel, yes? I think I'll start with Jerry H's involvement in the half-moon exhaust pipe design. ("It just looks racier.")
3) 3.5-SE, yes, the narrative is actually true. You, too, can remove the potato from your exhaust. If you'd like to borrow my fish tape and camera, please let me know. :D

Jarrod K. Wright
'02 3.5SE 5-speed
'98 SE 5-speed

PS - If humor is disallowed on this forum -- especially my rather weak and smart-assed attempt at it -- please let me know and I shall promptly switch gears and post a highly technical thread regarding the horsepower equals torque divided by 5252 formula.

Its not fair that the guy is sending you butter, bacon and sour cream. You have to share it too since I too have a potato in my exhaust.... :)
 

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79 Posts
ILXLR8B4U said:
did you make french fries or mashed potatoes.....?
Why .... FRENCH fries ... but of course .... LOL :p
 

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sardonic patron
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24 Posts
I watched "Up In Smoke"...

...got out my backscratcher and went to work on that smokehole.

Yup, sho' 'nuff, big ass tarball of Umsorry Been Smokin' up in there.

Gots to goe...much tokin' ta doo...:D
 

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Man with Car
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228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Heckled?

SuperRav said:
He must have a lot to time on his hands to write that..HE FELL asleep like 3 times that day....
What? Heckled by SuperRav? Some people just can't appreciate art when they read it. ;)

Jarrod K. Wright
'02 3.5SE 5-speed
'98 SE 5-speed

PS - And I do have a lot of time on my hands, yes. When I'm not tooling around in my Altima watching fifth-generation Maxima owners purposely look away, I nap. And when I'm not napping, I post inflammatory stories on message boards. My life is truly complete.
 

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Man with Car
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228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Re: So in Plain English...

lvpower said:
Can you explain what the process is to take this out ....:D
The potato? Or me? :)

Jarrod
 

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Moderate User
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72 Posts
Monsieur Wright:

I must ask you again to stop all zee nonsense about zee pomme-de-terre be put in échappement as required option, non? Zis is nonsense! Zis is hediculos! We did not conceal zee 15 cheval vapeur in crude manner such as zis! We are French, we are more sophisticated zan zis, you know...

M. Ghosn
 

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Man with Car
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228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
LOL, lbcgolf. I'm sure you'd be the hit of the New Year's party if you pulled out your Ghosn imitation. I mean, really, who doesn't love a good Ghosn? Chicks will be crawling all over you.

And ppeter78, I'll have disagree with your theory about the potato making the car quiet. If it had been a banana, perhaps. But a potato... well, the exhaust pulses will reverberate right off its hard rock-like construction, making the car considerably louder. In fact, there was a guy a while back complaining about how quiet his 3.5 was. He wanted it louder. Well, if he's smart, he'll jam another potato -- I hope it's an Idaho -- up the driver's side tailpipe. It may cost him another 15 horses, but 225 is still a pretty substantial amount, and he'll get that really cool potatopotatopotato exhaust racket so popular with the Harley crowd. (Hmmm... do I smell a Harley-Davidson Limited Edition Altima for the '03 model year? You read it here first.)

Jarrod
 

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Remember Me?
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1,549 Posts
jkwright said:
LOL, lbcgolf. I'm sure you'd be the hit of the New Year's party if you pulled out your Ghosn imitation. I mean, really, who doesn't love a good Ghosn? Chicks will be crawling all over you.

And ppeter78, I'll have disagree with your theory about the potato making the car quiet. If it had been a banana, perhaps. But a potato... well, the exhaust pulses will reverberate right off its hard rock-like construction, making the car considerably louder. In fact, there was a guy a while back complaining about how quiet his 3.5 was. He wanted it louder. Well, if he's smart, he'll jam another potato -- I hope it's an Idaho -- up the driver's side tailpipe. It may cost him another 15 horses, but 225 is still a pretty substantial amount, and he'll get that really cool potatopotatopotato exhaust racket so popular with the Harley crowd. (Hmmm... do I smell a Harley-Davidson Limited Edition Altima for the '03 model year? You read it here first.)

Jarrod
Can you hook me up with your contact? I like what you've been smoking....
 
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